What would you say if I told you that the eventual fate of your marriage, with an accuracy rate of 91%, could be foretold in just five minutes? What woud you think if I told you that this method completely excludes traditional couple’s therapy, family history or religious beliefs—just scientific evidence?
At the Gottman Institute in Seattle, WA, Dr. John Gottman had studied well over 650 couples and tracked their marriages for over fourteen years when he wrote, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.”
My husband and I have a religious framework for our marriage, but I don’t see anything wrong with taking an additional scientific approach to what works and what doesn’t. This book debunks common marriage myths, some you will be surprised to see, like “avoiding conflict will ruin your marriage.”
Do I have your interest yet?!
In short, Gottman provides a scientific look at what makes marriages succeed or fail.
“What can make a marriage work is surprisingly simple. Happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming the positive ones.”
While observing patients in his “Love Lab,” he is not looking for if the couples argue, but how they argue. He also describes the negative interactions can have profound effects on your marriage:
1) Criticism
2) Contempt (this is the most poisonous) includes sarcasm, fake laughs, eye rolls
3) Defensiveness
4) Stonewalling
If you are sitting there feeling like you have been guilty of one or all four in the past (I know I am), he provides some excellent tools for dealing with marital issues.
His book continues to point out the seven principles that will allow the relationship with your spouse to flourish. Each chapter contains questions and quizzes so that you can evaluate where you can improve.
Since I purchased this book a few years ago, I reread it every year to remember how conflicts should be handled in my home. It is an excellent read and I highly recommend it, whether you have a sizzling marriage or one that needs a little help.
(If you want to hear a clip from the Love Lab, go here.)
© 2009, Amy. All rights reserved.
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